Keith and Jessi, 1999 in 2017

Editor’s note: This is an interview conducted in June 2017 between two people who met on the internet in June 1999. They discuss their internet relationship, what a 12 year old thinks romance is, online-offline drama, year-2000-era ghosting, and still being friends (or at least friendly) 18 years later. Names have been changed upon request.

Jessi - 8:32 PM
Hello again Keith!!
Keith - 8:33 PM
So what now?
Jessi - 8:33 PM
I’m interviewing you about being my internet boyfriend when I was a child.
Keith - 8:33 PM
I would like to point out that I was also a child
Jessi - 8:33 PM
Important given the context.
What was I gonna start by asking you? How did we meet?
Keith - 8:34 PM
I was hanging out on Palace one day, it was your birthday, which is the day after my birthday, and we got chatting because of that
I had just turned 13 and you just turned 14.

Jessi - 8:34 PM
No I think it was your birthday.
I had just turned 13 and you had just turned 12!
Am I wrong??
Keith - 8:35 PM
Hmm you could be right
Jessi - 8:35 PM
I remember thinking “Wow yesterday you were… ONLY 11!” Which seemed so much worse than 12, and not nearly as old as the mature 13.
Keith - 8:35 PM
I remember thinking it was quite exciting that you were older than me. At that age, you didn’t talk to people older than you IRL
Jessi - 8:35 PM
I can’t correlate this with a year.
I wasn’t that much older and we both talked to people who were older than that!
Keith - 8:36 PM
Yeah I mean later…when we were 2gether
Jessi - 8:36 PM
I feel like we had a peer group and we were in the middle of it, age-wise.
I remember meeting you on the Palace and you added me on ICQ.

Keith - 8:36 PM
Yep that’s right
Jessi - 8:36 PM
Oh wait, yes, it was YOUR birthday, because the next day you sent me a birthday e-card.
Keith - 8:37 PM
Haha I don’t remember that
Jessi - 8:37 PM
and it was very sexy but like, I didn’t even really understand it. So you seemed like the cool mature one.
Keith - 8:37 PM
Actually wait
Jessi - 8:37 PM
By sending a very immature birthday e-card.
Keith - 8:37 PM
Yes I was obsessed with talking about sex at that point. But I wasn’t actually very sexual. I spoke about sex much more than I ever thought about it
Keith - 8:38 PM
and despite having access to the internet I never looked at pornography or anything like that
Jessi - 8:38 PM
No? But yeah you were obsessed with it.
But yeah – and we had had this convo earlier, but it was in this abstract sort of way.
Keith - 8:38 PM
Yeah absolutely, that was basically all anyone talked about on that palace
Jessi - 8:38 PM
I feel the same.
Keith - 8:39 PM
Yeah the idea of actually having sex was totally alien to me at that point, I was still a child but I had a lot of knowledge of adult matters
Jessi - 8:39 PM
Although I wasn’t really interested in talking about it, but I just mean sex was such an abstract thing at that time.
Keith - 8:39 PM
And it felt very funny and cool to talk about it. I thought I was quite sophisticated
Jessi - 8:40 PM
I would go into IRC teen chat rooms with my friend and stay up late having cybersex with random other people and then we would say “Actually, I’m an old man, not a teen girl like you thought!” and laugh for hours. But we were in real life two teen girls.
Anyway, back to you and me.

Keith - 8:40 PM
I can see the joy in that
Jessi - 8:40 PM
Wait, we met on the Palace but was that when we met as regular people?
What I mean is I felt like we had met before but I had a pseudonym of a character.
Keith - 8:41 PM
If we did, you didn’t tell me about it
Jessi - 8:41 PM
Because I remember you assumed I was a dude, but I think that was a different day?
Keith - 8:41 PM
You had these really grainy webcam photos you’d use as an avatar
Jessi - 8:41 PM
Yeah that was later when I was being my normal self.
Keith - 8:42 PM
And you had, I apologise for saying this, quite a masculine haircut. It was long hair but it was like a boy’s long hair. Like one of the guys from Hanson
Who were big at the time
Jessi - 8:42 PM
But you were always your own name.

Keith - 8:42 PM
So I thought you were a dude from one photo
Jessi - 8:42 PM
Hahaha
Keith - 8:42 PM
Yeah I was always Keith! on there
But then I saw more photos and it became clear you weren’t a dude
Jessi - 8:42 PM
We would talk on the Palace but I feel like that’s just where we consumed the drama of others.
And we would talk for-real on ICQ.
And later MSN Messenger?
Keith - 8:43 PM
We chatted on ICQ, AIM and MSN
In different eras
Jessi - 8:43 PM
I feel like we didn’t chat too much on AIM except one time you had “abandoned” me and then contacted me using an anonymous name to apologize.
Keith - 8:44 PM
Yeah we should talk about that because it’s interesting
Jessi - 8:44 PM
Haha should we talk about that now or later?
Keith - 8:44 PM
Let’s talk about it now

Jessi - 8:44 PM
Should we move chronologically for the hypothetical readers?
OK.
We both did this kind of thing so I don’t remember which time it was.
Keith - 8:44 PM
Well this is kinda chronological
Jessi - 8:44 PM
Was this when you went to Paris on vacation with your family?
Keith - 8:44 PM
It was the south of france, but nah that was years later
So I remember we were talking a lot
Jessi - 8:45 PM
On ICQ or MSN?
Keith - 8:45 PM
On AIM I think at this point. And you seemed really into me and I was into you too. But one day I just felt like it was too much
Jessi - 8:45 PM
ICQ first, MSN second, AIM later, and also sometimes you’d read my Livejournal.
And you had one but never posted. Also your avatar was porn!
Keith - 8:45 PM
I’d comment on yours though
Jessi - 8:46 PM
Had we talked on the phone at that point? I think that was a bit later.

Keith - 8:46 PM
Way later
Like years later
Jessi - 8:46 PM
It was very expensive then, and it was an international call.
Although you did send voice .wav files.
And I did too, but mostly it was [[ Friend’s Name ]] sending them.
Anyway!
Keith - 8:46 PM
Haha yeah but they must have been very short
Jessi - 8:46 PM
That’s beside the point.
Oh! We used to use Napster together and I got a lot of music recommendations from you.
But that’s also another point.
Keith - 8:47 PM
That’s right, that’s when I started to like you as “more than a chat buddy”
Jessi - 8:47 PM
Anyway we were talking about how you abandoned me. 😉
Keith - 8:47 PM
I was getting really into music at the time and I guess you were too
Jessi - 8:48 PM
Yeah, both based on our older brothers music tastes, kinda.
Keith - 8:48 PM
Yeah so I just felt like it was too much, and a part of me was like, “I shouldn’t be in this thing at all”. I had no sex drive at this point and no real hormones compelling me, so there wasn’t much bonding going on I mean I was 12
Jessi - 8:48 PM
Well we talked about this before, our ‘relationship’ was super chaste!
It was exactly what a 12 year old thinks romance is, I think.
Keith - 8:49 PM
It was, exactly
But 12 year old boys aren’t really interested in romance anyway
Jessi - 8:49 PM
Recommending music to listen to and talking about whatever.
Keith - 8:50 PM
Also I was a coward. There was no way I could have broken it off, I didn’t know what to say
So I just disappeared
Can you remember your reaction?

Jessi - 8:50 PM
You did this more than once, so…!
I was super sad!
Keith - 8:50 PM
More than once to you?
Jessi - 8:50 PM
I think so?
Obviously I’m interested in thinking through what things are unique to these kind of internet relationships – if you were someone at school or something,
that’d be totally impossible
But on the internet it was easy to just totally disappear.
Keith - 8:51 PM
Nah it was just once.
When we “broke up” the second time, when I was 15, you instigated it
Jessi - 8:51 PM
Did you block me or did you just not use the internet in that way?
Keith - 8:51 PM
I just didn’t log into anything
I took a 7 month break from the places where we would hang out
Jessi - 8:52 PM
Was it that long???
Keith - 8:52 PM
Yeah I think so. It felt like an eon at that age
Jessi - 8:52 PM
You didn’t go to those places but I feel like you still used the Palace some because, like, I knew you weren’t DEAD.
Right? I feel like I knew it was intentional.
Keith - 8:52 PM
I used to drop in from time to time
Yeah you knew it was intentional.
Jessi - 8:53 PM
Although I don’t think you said anything, you just quit talking to me.
Keith - 8:53 PM
Nope I didn’t say a word

Jessi - 8:53 PM
Yeah I was more upset about the lack of explanation.
Keith - 8:53 PM
Just stopped logging in
Pathetically
So after that
I was on palace one night
Jessi - 8:53 PM
I feel like I had gaps like that on the internet at that age too, although not as dramatic as this one.
Keith - 8:53 PM
and I think I saw you but we didn’t chat
Jessi - 8:54 PM
Did we talk every day? Nearly.
Keith - 8:54 PM
Yeah absolutely every day
So then your new internet boyfriend approached me

Jessi - 8:54 PM
Oh boy.
I knew this would come up, haha.
He was not my internet boyfriend!
Keith - 8:54 PM
And he was mad and wanted an explanation for my caddish behavior
He claimed to be
Jessi - 8:54 PM
He liked me. But that’s not true, he truly loved someone else…
and…
you know who that was…
Keith - 8:54 PM
No!
Jessi - 8:55 PM
because you used to talk to HER every day TOO!!!
Keith - 8:55 PM
Not [ username redacted ]
Jessi - 8:55 PM
Yes! Right?
Keith - 8:55 PM
She was alluring, she had this “I don’t give a fuck” personality
Jessi - 8:55 PM
That was his true teen love. We would only talk because we were both sad about being rejected cruelly by our internet teen loves.
Keith - 8:56 PM
But he visited you right?
Jessi - 8:56 PM
It’s like that section of High Fidelity where the guy dates that girl and they both don’t like each other but they are both very sad.
I’m sure I watched that movie during the same time.
OHHHHHHHH
I was thinking of someone else.

Keith - 8:56 PM
Hahaha
Jessi - 8:56 PM
Listen, Keith!, I was a busy lady.
Keith - 8:56 PM
Sounds like it!
Jessi - 8:57 PM
Oh okay. Yeah he was actually my boyfriend and we met off the internet. Although I didn’t really like him.
Keith - 8:57 PM
Well he didn’t like me either
And he was super pissed that I’d hurt you
Jessi - 8:57 PM
Hahahaha
Keith - 8:57 PM
And he was like “Explain yourself” and I really had no explanation to give him
Jessi - 8:57 PM
I wonder what I even said. Did he know who you were from hanging out in the same place online?
Keith - 8:57 PM
I think I might have denied the whole thing, not sure
Jessi - 8:57 PM
Haha, woof.

Keith - 8:57 PM
Yep
He was just like “She is so sad about this and I want to make it better so I want an explanation from you and maybe that will help”
Jessi - 8:58 PM
Not gonna follow up to get a report from him. I have no idea what he’s doing these days.
Aw that’s nice.
Yeah, you were the bad boy and he was like, the nice guy.
Keith - 8:58 PM
Yeah he seemed like a decent guy, why didn’t you like him?
Haha yeah
Jessi - 8:59 PM
Well, why did I like you?
Because you were smart.
Keith - 8:59 PM
I rode off on my motorcycle
Jessi - 8:59 PM
He was not that smart.
Keith - 8:59 PM
Yeah I feel like we got along because we were both smart kids who were interested in reading books and listening to unusual music
I never met a girl who I had a similar taste in music to until I was like, 18 at the earliest
So you were a big deal
Jessi - 8:59 PM
Yeah! And when you are a teen, especially in small towns like we grew up in…
exactly!
So we bonded in this way.
Keith - 9:00 PM
But you never saw a photo of me. Did that ever cross your mind? You seemed totally cool about that. I feel like if it was the other way round I’d be pushing for it
Jessi - 9:00 PM
Well at one point your real-life teen friend doxxed you.
No, not really though, I didn’t care.

Keith - 9:01 PM
Yeah but that was years later, you’d already invested a lot of time by then, haha
I had a terrible experience showing a girl a photo of me the year before
When I was 11
Jessi - 9:01 PM
I do remember asking, since i had a webcam and could produce weird pictures whenever I wanted.
Keith - 9:01 PM
I took what I thought was a regular photo of me with my webcam to show her, and she said “I’m sorry…but that photo, it’s just weird, ugh” then stopped talking to me entirely
Jessi - 9:02 PM
Haha you had a webcam the whole time!
Keith - 9:02 PM
I was so hurt. So from then on I never showed anyone what I looked like. Yep I had a webcam the whole time
Jessi - 9:02 PM
I remember you sending me a picture of a bunch of people.
And your arm was in it maybe?
Although I think I showed you later and you were like “I’m not in this at all!”
Keith - 9:02 PM
That was my excuse, that I didn’t have a way to get the photo online. That wouldn’t fly with kids now
I don’t remember that
Jessi - 9:02 PM
Yeah!
I liked that.
Not you in particular, I just mean it was nice to talk to people and it wasn’t tied up with who you were physically.
You weren’t judged for that, etc.
Keith - 9:03 PM
I guess you would have been cool with what I looked like anyway, looking back at photos of me as a kid, I just looked like a regular, slightly chubby kid
Jessi - 9:03 PM
I didn’t feel good about how I looked at that age either, or now.
Keith - 9:03 PM
But I honestly thought I was hideous
When you’re a kid and one person says you are ugly, or acts like you are ugly, that’s it
You just internalise that as part of your self image
Jessi - 9:04 PM
I felt the same, but maybe more in a way that all teen girls feel.

Keith - 9:04 PM
Even though it’s just one persons opinion, if they are the first person to give you the opinion, it’s the gospel truth
Jessi - 9:04 PM
I still have a lot of body image issues but I’m also more like “fuck it!”
Yeah.
Anyway, back on topic!
Keith - 9:05 PM
These days I care very little, although I also have a feeling like if I looked better more people would trust me in a business context. But that’s my only issue
So yeah, I was scared that you’d find out what I looked like
Jessi - 9:05 PM
Haha that’s why I started wearing makeup!
Yeah but then [[ Friend’s Name ]] doxxed you.
Keith - 9:05 PM
So then, in our second relationship, you did find out
Jessi - 9:05 PM
You must have been furious! he was very jealous of you talking to me, a cool American girl.
Keith - 9:05 PM
But you didn’t care. I was relieved.
Jessi - 9:05 PM
Yeah he tried to win me over to his side!
Keith - 9:05 PM
He was such a dick to me at that point, I dunno why I kept hanging out with him
Jessi - 9:06 PM
He was also kind of an idiot.
Keith - 9:06 PM
He was. He was a smart guy but also an idiot
Jessi - 9:06 PM
Oh okay so how did we reunite?

Keith - 9:06 PM
Well we were chatting as friends
Jessi - 9:06 PM
You ghosted me in a year-2000 way
and my new boyfriend confronted you
and I was probably pissed off about it.
Keith - 9:07 PM
Well after I ghosted you, I got in touch and apologized, and you were just like “It’s fine”. I think it was 7 months later so it was ancient history at that point, you didn’t give a shit
Jessi - 9:07 PM
I was really into not having feelings at that age.
No, I did. Haha.
Oh I did.
Keith - 9:07 PM
You were really into that!
Jessi - 9:07 PM
Acting like I had no feelings?
Yeah! I’m still like that these days but not so much.
Keith - 9:08 PM
Yeah. Also you got pissed at anyone telling you to do something. Even something as small as me being like “Listen to this song now! It’s awesome!”
Jessi - 9:08 PM
Yeah I didn’t like to be vulnerable in any way.
Keith - 9:08 PM
You were like “I hate it when people talk to me like that”
Jessi - 9:08 PM
Oh yeah, I didn’t like that either.
That was probably just for bratty teen reasons.
Keith - 9:09 PM
So we started chatting again, as friends
Jessi - 9:09 PM
On what medium? AIM?
Probably MSN.
Keith - 9:09 PM
Then I guess we pretty quickly started chatting every day. And I think it was AIM again at this point
But then it got to MSN quickly afterwards
Jessi - 9:09 PM
I was using MSN a lot those days.
Keith - 9:09 PM
Because we had like, a year and a bit of chatting like this
Jessi - 9:09 PM
Well, both.
So we were like, 15/16?
Keith - 9:09 PM
Then one day I was out drinking and playing pool. I was 15 and you were 16
Weirdly I was grown up enough for that but also still childish enough to engage in this type of online relationship
Jessi - 9:10 PM
Hahaha
Keith - 9:10 PM
And when I got home I’d had like 3 ciders and I was kinda buzzed
And you told me you loved me
You said you’d been going nuts for two weeks about it
Jessi - 9:11 PM
Probably in a very nervous pretending to be chill way.
Oh wait! I remember exactly when this was.
I had briefly forgotten about time zones
So it was early in the day still for me.
Early-ish
Keith - 9:11 PM
Yeah for me it was like 5 or 6pm I think
It was a school holiday I think
Early summer

Jessi - 9:11 PM
I remember typing it and physically running away from the computer into my bedroom and silently screaming
I have never told you this until just now! Right??
It was very stressful!
Keith - 9:12 PM
Yep, but I knew you left the computer because you didn’t talk for a while
And I remember how I reacted
Jessi - 9:12 PM
Haha imagine if my dad had showed up around that time to check his email, hahaha
Keith - 9:12 PM
“I also love you, from [[ Father’s Name ]]”
Jessi - 9:13 PM
Did I perform this love confession before or after you prank called my dad?
Keith - 9:13 PM
At that point I wasn’t thinking of you in that way at all
Jessi - 9:13 PM
Buuuuuut… you were drunk!
Keith - 9:13 PM
Oh years later, I pranked your dad when I was like 12
Nah it wasn’t about the booze
But I really was like “Wow, yeah, ok, I guess she is pretty awesome” and that was that
Jessi - 9:14 PM
I wonder how different my 20s would have been if I knew that then and had that level of confidence, hahaha
Keith - 9:14 PM
and for me this was the real teen type of thing, where I was just so into you
And I remember thinking “It’s great that I’ll never need to worry about this again, since I have her and it’ll be me and her forever”
Jessi - 9:14 PM
OMG
Keith - 9:14 PM
I was TOTALLY convinced we’d be together forever, I mean 100%
Jessi - 9:15 PM
Yeah so teen!
Keith - 9:15 PM
Yeah really
There was just no doubt in my mind at all
Jessi - 9:15 PM
Well, we are just friends forever, so you aren’t totally wrong.
Keith - 9:15 PM
That’s true
I guess we did keep talking to each other forever
Jessi - 9:15 PM
Yeah it’s very teen.
Keith - 9:15 PM
But actually it lasted less than a few months
Jessi - 9:16 PM
So this time I realized it wasn’t cool.
Keith - 9:16 PM
Yeah, what happened…you cunt?

Jessi - 9:16 PM
Hahahaha.
Keith - 9:16 PM
Haha
Jessi - 9:16 PM
I don’t really remember what I was thinking, probably the same as you before.
Well, not really.
Probably the same as “I’m too old for this”?
Keith - 9:16 PM
You had just turned 17 so I think I can understand that
Jessi - 9:16 PM
Like, who is this guy, shouldn’t I be living more of a real teen life, etc.?
Plus I was into the no-feelings thing.
Keith - 9:17 PM
So I went away on vacation
and came back and you were acting so weird with me
So I was like “What’s up?”
and you said “Well, I just woke up one day and I didn’t feel anything anymore”
Jessi - 9:17 PM
Yeah I was really into this! Such a brooding teenager.
Keith - 9:18 PM
I remember being more pissed off than anything, really
Jessi - 9:18 PM
Yeah, that’s understandable.
Keith - 9:18 PM

I didn’t get depressed about it
I feel like within a couple of weeks we were back chatting like normal, no?
Jessi - 9:19 PM
Yeah… I think so? But not as much.
Probably healthy.
Keith - 9:19 PM
But I did feel this resentment and sense of rejection that really did last for years. I mean I still wanted to be your friend but I had this underlying current of being pissed off about it for like the next three years, until I was almost 20, haha
Jessi - 9:20 PM
I think it was probably as the same as you did earlier, which is like “I should be hanging out with people in real life.”
Keith - 9:20 PM
And you started dating someone at college and I was pissed about that
Nah I didn’t think that, it was more like “This is too heavy for me”
Jessi - 9:20 PM
Well, maybe a mix of both.
Keith - 9:20 PM
I didn’t hang out with people in real life at all until I was 15, haha
Jessi - 9:20 PM
It’s too heavy for someone I have never met.
Keith - 9:21 PM
Yeah there was that aspect definitely
But yeah, I was pissed.
Oh shit here’s a detail
During that 7 months we werent talking, after I disappeared, I read your Live Journal every day
Jessi - 9:22 PM
You had a vague Livejournal too, the whole thing was vague.
Man of mystery!
I think I found that very appealing too.
Keith - 9:24 PM
Oh yeah. I didn’t have anything to write because my life was just about going to school and going on the internet
I always wanted a cool live journal like you where you posted every day and found stuff to write about
But I felt like my life was way too boring
And I am sure yours wasn’t that much more interesting
Jessi - 9:25 PM
There were anonymous comments and sometimes they were from you but sometimes from other people so I was never sure.
Keith - 9:25 PM
Nah they were all me
Jessi - 9:25 PM
No, it really wasn’t. I recently read them, for that other project I’m working on. So I know they are not.
Did you say anything particularly interesting?
Keith - 9:26 PM
For me it was always quite impressive you found something to write about every day
Jessi - 9:26 PM
I think you would insult me, mostly!
Keith - 9:26 PM
Well it depends whether you mean initially, when I was hiding from you, or later, when I was pissed
How did things work out with your latest crush?

[[ Chat briefly goes off the record ]]

Keith - 9:36 PM
So yeah, I was thinking about how I made a cunt of myself so so many times
Jessi - 9:36 PM
Just, like, in life?

Keith - 9:36 PM
And like, if I saw someone else behave the way that I have, I’d completely lose respect for them
Hahaha no
I mean at the end of relationships
Or when I’ve been rejected
Jessi - 9:37 PM
Like dropping someone and avoiding where they hang out for months?
Keith - 9:37 PM
Like even recently the way I was with [ Coworker’s Name ], I totally made a fool of myself
Jessi - 9:37 PM
Although that seems like a very “teen” reaction
Keith - 9:37 PM
Nah just having a really obvious emotional reaction to it rather than being cool and reasonable
Jessi - 9:37 PM
Ahh you should be more like teen me.
Keith - 9:38 PM
Haha I should. I feel like even now if it happened to me, that’s what I’d be like
But even just a couple of years ago, I dunno
Jessi - 9:38 PM
Like you or like me?
Keith - 9:38 PM
I guess I hated myself so much that it all came out
Jessi - 9:38 PM
Yeah but that’s because you are in a normal healthy relationship now.
Keith - 9:38 PM
Nah like me, a few years back
Yeah partly for sure, but I think even if I wasn’t, I’d have grown up a lot in the last two years
Jessi - 9:39 PM
Also it’s one of those things where you are like “In that situation, I’d totally act like this!” but you don’t know until you are in it, even if it’s again.
You know?
Like people who are really into guns and are like “If I were there, I would have shot this dude!” but they probably would have just literally shit themselves

Keith - 9:39 PM
Maybe yeah. I feel like if I was going to take a risk and try to get with someone I worked with though, I’d at least be cool about getting rejected afterwards
Although these days because I’m taken, and really solidly taken, and now she’s single again, I can convince myself that somehow she regrets it
Jessi - 9:40 PM
Hahaahahahahaha
Keith - 9:40 PM
Even though the reality is that I doubt she regrets it at all, hahaha
Jessi - 9:40 PM
You never change!
Keith - 9:40 PM
Haha I guess not. But like, 3 months ago after she broke up with that dude she kept trying to meet up
But yeah, we’d have been a shitty couple anyway
Her and me and you and me too
Jessi - 9:42 PM
Hahaha yeah we know that now as adults!
Turns out you can’t just get by on liking weird music and… uhhhhh….???
Keith - 9:42 PM
I think we’d have been a great couple when we were teenagers though
Because we were into the same shit
But then our interests diverged quickly
Jessi - 9:42 PM
Yeah we spent a lot of time trolling people on ICQ
Keith - 9:42 PM
I got really into partying
Jessi - 9:43 PM
We are very politically different these days too, I think that’s a big divider.
Like when we get into fights now.
Keith - 9:43 PM
And like, not that you weren’t, but you definitely wouldn’t have been like - into popping a couple of Es and dancing to techno which was my favourite thing from 18-22
Jessi - 9:43 PM
Hahahah I think that’s a real Euro thing though
I went to a lot of shows and drank shitty beer.
I feel like that’s the American equivalent.
Keith - 9:43 PM
Yeah probably. I’d still have been a huge pot head though
Jessi - 9:43 PM
Yeah you were really into drugs though and I’ve never been into drugs.
Keith - 9:44 PM
I doubt I’d get into a fight with you about your politics now
I don’t think we’re that different, I’m just more moderate than you are
Things are a lot more drastic politically now, in the world, than the last time we fought

Jessi - 9:45 PM
You just lean into capitalism and I lean out
Yeah
Let’s bring this around to being on topic.
Keith - 9:45 PM
Good plan
Jessi - 9:45 PM
It’s interesting we are still pals after all this time though, I do feel that is unique.
Keith - 9:45 PM
When we were teenagers you were pretty apolitical
Jessi - 9:45 PM
No, we were both like babypunks.
Keith - 9:45 PM
It’s definitely unique. I told a therapist all about it once
And she was like “I’ve never heard of this before”
Jessi - 9:46 PM
Haha. I thought the teen boyfriend/girlfriend was “unique” also but I’ve met a lot of other people who have had that experience.
But I don’t know if they’ve continued it on.
Jessi - 9:47 PM
Wait, what did you like about me?
That I would wait like half an hour to download a Gong song and listen to it and like it?
Keith - 9:48 PM
Same thing. Music, plus you were smart, plus we just had this energy that meant we could keep talking and talking for hours without it getting boring. There wasn’t anyone else like that. Plus I thought you were pretty too
Jessi - 9:49 PM
Yeah it’s true, that’s how I felt too. I don’t even know what we would talk about.
You might even get offended about this now, but I don’t have any chat logs from our time but I do have several saved chat logs from [ Redacted Name ]. But that’s because I hadn’t had a hard drive crash at that point, I think
Keith - 9:49 PM
I wish we had logs. Thankfully we have logs going back quite a long time but I guess there’s probably an equal amount that we don’t have

[[ Chat goes briefly off topic ]]

Jessi - 9:52 PM
I want to bring this back around to the teen era.
Keith - 9:52 PM
This is the teen era though right?
Jessi - 9:52 PM
We had this conversation/email earlier about how we had a very chaste relationship.
but, like, you had tried to have a non-chaste relationship with a girl from your school on the internet.
Keith - 9:53 PM
Yes, it was. I was way too scared to make a move in that direction with you. I knew that you were kinda prude.
Jessi - 9:53 PM
And you felt it was tied to physical proximity and how, like, well, what’s the point if someone is far away?
Hahahaha.
Keith - 9:53 PM
Yeah there was that too
Jessi - 9:53 PM
Yeah I guess so. I dunno, it would have been weird.
Keith - 9:53 PM
Also I felt like I’d be disrespecting you too
Jessi - 9:53 PM
Oh that’s interesting.
That’s interesting!

Keith - 9:54 PM
I had that “madonna/whore” thing where I like, held our relationship on a pedestal above mere animal lust
Jessi - 9:54 PM
Yeah yeah.
Is that a teen thing?
Like we had a very “pure love.”
Keith - 9:54 PM
It’s a guy thing
Jessi - 9:54 PM
Did we have a love? How do you see this now?
Did you love me?
Keith - 9:54 PM
Yes definitely
If someone asked me who my first love was, I’d say you without hesitation
Jessi - 9:55 PM
What I remember about you then is that you were VERY smart but also could never spell “definitely” right.
Keith - 9:55 PM
Hahahah
“…and so, I have to say that I don’t see it as a love”
Jessi - 9:55 PM
Hahahaha
I agree but unsure how I would reply if someone asked me, hahaha
Keith - 9:56 PM
Spell check helped me a lot. I dunno if I’m dyslexic or what. I’m not very good at instantly determining which way is left, and which way is right, and I think that’s part of it? I dunno
I wouldn’t be like “Oh my first love was on the internet”
Jessi - 9:56 PM
Hahahah
Keith - 9:56 PM
I’m quite embarrassed at the idea that I was too weird a teen to have a normal girlfriend.
Jessi - 9:56 PM
I think something interesting about this time period is you get to know someone very well, but only a specific part of them as a person.
Keith - 9:56 PM
Actually until recently I also resented the idea that I didn’t have a real girlfriend when I was a teenager
Ah that’s true
Jessi - 9:57 PM
But also, I mean, I think a lot about how text correspondence is at times very up to interpretation.
Keith - 9:57 PM
Definitely
Jessi - 9:57 PM
I had real boyfriends but I didn’t really like them at all.
So in some ways it’s about loving the idea of something.
Keith - 9:57 PM
How did you imagine me back then? How did you fill in the blanks?

Jessi - 9:57 PM
Yeah! Yeah. Hmmm.
I wasn’t like “hmmm must look like Fabio, a rugged Scottish man…!”
Keith - 9:59 PM
Hahaha
Jessi - 9:59 PM
In some ways, when you are a teen, you don’t fill in the blanks.
I don’t know!
Keith - 9:59 PM
I feel like I had a pretty accurate view of you
I mean when we actually met I wasn’t like “Oh I imagined her so different”
Jessi - 9:59 PM
I was more open with who I truly was, and I was pretty comfortable with who I was despite the feelings part.
Well … I felt the same. I didn’t think you were different at all.
I wonder if we had met when I was, like, 17.
I dunno, I think it would have been the same.
I do feel like I know who you are.
It’s interesting!
Keith - 10:00 PM
I think if we had met up when we were supposed to be together, like if one of us had money and we could just fly to see each other
Jessi - 10:00 PM
I think it’s interesting.
Keith - 10:00 PM
It would have been really weird
Jessi - 10:00 PM
Yes
I think it would have been really weird and awkward

[[ Conversation continues from there, but this is the most natural breakpoint ]]