Continued from Chapter 2
FioFio5: hi you
FioFio5: what’s shakin?
Potsdamerplatz33: how are you
FioFio5: in what sense?
Potsdamerplatz33: i just feel like shit
Potsdamerplatz33: in the typical rené way
FioFio5: that’s really too bad
FioFio5: is there anything I can do?
Potsdamerplatz33: not really
Potsdamerplatz33: unless you can take my exam and go on tour as me
Potsdamerplatz33: and such
FioFio5: I would fail your exam for you
FioFio5: and I really can’t pass, as much of a groupie I am
Potsdamerplatz33: uh huh
FioFio5: if I could, I would be you for however long you like, so you can go curl in bed with a book and some tea
Potsdamerplatz33: i just wanna hop on a train and go
FioFio5: go where?
Potsdamerplatz33: i dont care
FioFio5: why do you want to leave? what are you trying to get away frokm?
Potsdamerplatz33: just things that make me sad. but in the end thats gonna follow me anywhre, so i i’m not goin anywhere.
FioFio5: what is making you sad? (you don’t have to talk about this if you’d rather not)
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m on a big let down from the last few weeks i guess
Potsdamerplatz33: i just feel ashamed of/disappointed with myself this week
Potsdamerplatz33: cuz i’m not as happy with a lot of shit as i should be
FioFio5: who says how happy you should be? happiness is variable
Potsdamerplatz33: it sure is
FioFio5: something that usually makes you happy can’t always do it
Potsdamerplatz33: i;m not very happy with us right now. and i’m very ashamed of that.
FioFio5: I know you’re not
FioFio5: but it’s nothing to be ashamed of
Potsdamerplatz33: yes it isw
Potsdamerplatz33: its so vain of me
Potsdamerplatz33: and selfish
FioFio5: I don’t know
Potsdamerplatz33: yeah. me either.
FioFio5: I just don’t think you should really let it bother you too much. Either it will pass or it won’t. If it does, then it’s not a problem. If it doesn’t, well… you get the idea
Potsdamerplatz33: i guess
Potsdamerplatz33: its just that its stuff i knew would bother me. but stuff that i feel doesnt bother you as much, so it makes me feel like i’m not being fair
FioFio5: like what
Potsdamerplatz33: like the distance
FioFio5: well of course that bothers me
Potsdamerplatz33: and i’m growing more and more convinced that its a permanent issue
FioFio5: I didn’t choose to go on leave.
Potsdamerplatz33: what do you mean?
FioFio5: I haven’t talked to anyone about this, not my family, no one.
FioFio5: because I’m very ashamed about it all.
FioFio5: I was placed on leave
FioFio5: hence why no one, not even me, knew I wasn’t coming back this semester until the last minute
FioFio5: and I can’t come back next semester, because it’s set at at least a year.
FioFio5: that’s the deal.
Potsdamerplatz33: um ok
FioFio5: so if you want to call it quits right now, I will not be surprised
Potsdamerplatz33: why didnt you tell me any of this?
FioFio5: well, my pride was part of it…. but also I didn’t know what would happen with us. I didn’t know if we’d last long enough for it to matter…. but ovbiously it has. and I’d been very torn as to when and how to tell you, but I decided, oh, this weekend I suppose, that I have been completely wrong in not telling you right at the start. it’s just really hard to tell someone something that will without a doubt change everything, and not for the better. I’ve just been so happy and swept up with you, I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. But I guess you can only ignore reality for so long.
FioFio5: and I hate life, I hate how it does things like this…. gives you an amazing person while in an impossible situation
FioFio5: so now you know what no one else does… and of course you’re the one most affected by it… and the one who should have known all along.
Potsdamerplatz33: i love you so much fiona.
Potsdamerplatz33: but how can i trust you?
FioFio5: I don’t know
FioFio5: I don’t know…. I can’t express how sorry I am
Potsdamerplatz33: holy shit
Potsdamerplatz33: i cant believe this
FioFio5: I wish it weren’t true
Potsdamerplatz33: yeah me too
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m sorry, but i cant remember the last time i was lied to on this scale
FioFio5: I would say that I never said I’d be back next semester… but I don’t think I can really say anything to help.
FioFio5: I can’t think of anything to say that you could believe
FioFio5: I was about to say that I love you… but that might be hard to believe to
FioFio5: Maybe it would just be better if I didn’t say anything at all.
Potsdamerplatz33: i dont know
FioFio5: of course, not saying anything is how I got into this mess… hell, it’s how I screwed up last semester.
Potsdamerplatz33: if youd told me all of this, it wouldnt have mattered to me, dont you know that?
FioFio5: how could it not have matter… knowing that I couldn’t come back next semester, as much as I would like to?
Potsdamerplatz33: it wouldnt have changed how i feel about you. being lied to however is very disturbing.
Potsdamerplatz33: no matter how much you want to come back
Potsdamerplatz33: when exactly did you decide you were gonna tell me this
Potsdamerplatz33: last weekend?
FioFio5: I wish I were a more eloquent person so I could better describe what I want to say…. I regret not telling you about this, lying, covering it up, more than any decision I’ve ever made. I can’t believe how selfish I’ve been in not sharing it with you.
FioFio5: Well, I always knew I had to tell you, I’m not that horrible… but I truly realized just how much I’ve wronged you last thursday
FioFio5: and this weekend just pounded it in some more
FioFio5: and it’s been all I can think about since leaving sunday
FioFio5: it’s why I’ve been in such a poor mood all week
Potsdamerplatz33: is it just by necessity that you waited the night before tour to tell me? i mean, this is gonna be ridiculous.
FioFio5: you think I thought, “hey, the night before tour would be a great time to tell him??”
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m thinkin you put it off as late as you could
FioFio5: and I’m thinking that no good time existed except back in January
Potsdamerplatz33: but at the same time, i now have to go off on the road and not talk to you for a while
Potsdamerplatz33: did that have anything to do with it?
FioFio5: god no
FioFio5: I’ve had too many people tell me bad things at the worst times. I would never time it that way for someone by choice.
FioFio5: especially not someone I love!
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m sorry
FioFio5: you have NOTHING to be sorry about
FioFio5: I’M sorry
FioFio5: is there a word that means “so sorry you would do anything to go back and do it right”?
Potsdamerplatz33: i just feel like i’m not being as sensitive to what a big deal this is for you as i should be
FioFio5: what do you mean?
Potsdamerplatz33: i mean i’m beiong selfish again.
FioFio5: no you’re not… not at all
FioFio5: I’m shocked you’re even talking to m e Potsdamerplatz33: how could i not?
FioFio5: I think a lot of people would have said, “well, Fiona, that’s nice. now fuck off.”
Potsdamerplatz33: i cant do that
Potsdamerplatz33: but i am hurt. deeply.
FioFio5: I am so terrible sorry
FioFio5: I feel so miserable
Potsdamerplatz33: me too
FioFio5: I can’t believe I’m trying to relay emotions like these over a stupid computer
Potsdamerplatz33: i cant do the phone right now. i cant handle that.
FioFio5: I feel like I’m coming across differently than I feel… I feel like it looks like I’m just saying things to say them
FioFio5: that’s fine
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m sorry, i’m not being very good at talking
FioFio5: it’s fine
Potsdamerplatz33: what do you want from me right now?
FioFio5: I don’t think I have any right to want or ask for anything from you.
FioFio5: just don’t stop talking to me… please
Potsdamerplatz33: i’ll do my best
Potsdamerplatz33: i wish i didnt have an exam tomorrow morning
FioFio5: I’m so sorry
Potsdamerplatz33: i just dont want to do anything to make this any harder for you than i’m sure it already is
FioFio5: what do you mean by that?
Potsdamerplatz33: i mean i know this isnt an easy position to be in, so i wanna do what i can to make you feel better, but at the same time, i’m still hurt and i’ve lost my trust.
Potsdamerplatz33: so i dont know what to say/do
FioFio5: I don’t want you to try to make me feel better
FioFio5: I want to know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking… that’s all
Potsdamerplatz33: right now i want to be able to not think about this at all….with the exam and tour and all comin up. but i know that its all i’m gonna be thinkin about the whole time
Potsdamerplatz33: and i dont want to
FioFio5: I’m so sorry for that
FioFio5: what do you see happening?
FioFio5: what do you want to do?
Potsdamerplatz33: ah geez
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m an expert at stalling and not making decisions cuz i usually end up regretting them
Potsdamerplatz33: my vision for the future is very hazy. i just dont know whats going to happen.
FioFio5: well, that’s why it’s the future
Potsdamerplatz33: at the moment i feel like i need us to be apart for a while. thats why i’m bad at makin decisions, cuz thats the kind of decision i know i’m gonna regret.
FioFio5: apart it is, then.
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m afraid thats only gonna make both of us miserable
FioFio5: I think I’m going to be miserable no matter what
Potsdamerplatz33: but i dont know if i can be happy with myself just letting this go
Potsdamerplatz33: i dont want you to be miserable
FioFio5: I already am… I can’t be anything but miserable… I’ve hurt you, so so much.
Potsdamerplatz33: i know its not meant that way, but that makes me feel responsible. i really must have some intense masochistic need to be the one doing the hurting.
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m just crazy
Potsdamerplatz33: tell me what to do to make you less miserable
FioFio5: there is nothing that you can do! I’m feeling horribly guilty (like I ought to) for hurting you. for hurting someone I care about desperately.
FioFio5: I thought of something
FioFio5: you could try to get some sleep and do well on your test and enjoy tour
FioFio5: that would make me feel better
Potsdamerplatz33: i’ll do it. as long as it really makes you feel better. cuz i’ll talk to 6am too if thats what you want.
FioFio5: when I said not to stop talking to me, I meant in general… not right this minute
FioFio5: I don’t want to make your test tomorrow any worse than I already have by keeping you from sleep
Potsdamerplatz33: i do have to get up early to pack anyway
Potsdamerplatz33: i guess we’ll talk again when i get back wednesday
FioFio5: guess so
Potsdamerplatz33: i’m sorry fiona. whether you think i should be or not.
FioFio5: I accept your apology, even though i don’t understand it
Potsdamerplatz33: good enough
FioFio5: I’m so sorry that this had to happen
Potsdamerplatz33: me too
FioFio5: and even more sorry that it had to be you
FioFio5: I can’t tell you how much you mean to me
Potsdamerplatz33: we’ll see where this goes. maybe i’ll be able to grow up and deal with this.
Potsdamerplatz33: either way, i promise to keep talking
FioFio5: I think you’re far more grown up than me.
Potsdamerplatz33: goodnight anyway. i love you.
FioFio5: I love you so much
FioFio5: try to get some good sleep
FioFio5: and good luck with everything